“How Perfectionism and Anxiety are Related (and What to do About It)”
Perfectionism and Anxiety
Takeaway: Perfectionism and anxiety are often linked because perfectionists hold themselves to unrealistic standards, and use these standards to measure their self-worth. Because perfection is unattainable, people often become anxious and overwhelmed trying and failing to achieve an impossible goal. To break free, perfectionists need to reset their expectations and learn to think differently about self-worth.
Table of contents
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism occurs when we strive for really high (often unrealistic or unachievable standards), and we base our value and worth on the degree to which we are able to meet those standards.
Perfectionism and Anxiety
As a therapist that treats high achieving perfectionists, I often hear my client’s say,
“I can’t be a perfectionist because I’m constantly making mistakes. I’m nowhere close to being perfect”.
Perfectionism really isn’t about “being perfect”.
Perfectionism occurs when we strive for really high (often unrealistic and unachievable standards), and we base our value and worth on the degree to which we are able to meet those standards.
Perfectionism typically has three main components: 1. A core belief that you aren’t good enough. 2. Faulty intermediate beliefs that tell you that if you achieve some specific standard you will be good enough. 3. Automatic thoughts that continue to reinforce those intermediate and core beliefs.
How does perfectionism create anxiety?
Perfectionism leads to anxiety when you believe that achieving unattainable goals is the only way that you’ll have self-worth or value. Deep down, you know your goals are unreachable, and this gap between what you know is possible and what you expect of yourself creates anxiety.
Ultimately, you fear that you aren’t good enough, and the only way to be good enough is to meet these (unrealistic) standards. When you inevitably fall short, you feel terrible. You are then filled with anxiety because you are worried that you won’t be able to access all of the things that “good enough” people have (like love, success, and safety). But, despite all of your best efforts, you can’t meet these standards. You get stuck in a cycle of chasing these unattainable goals.
How do you treat perfectionism and anxiety?
Perfectionism and Anxiety at Work
We can treat perfectionism and anxiety by understanding and addressing the root cause of anxiety and perfectionism, and tailoring treatment to target the real issue.
Treating perfectionism and anxiety involves understanding the root cause of perfectionism and anxiety (faulty thoughts and beliefs) and setting and meeting more realistic expectations).
Here’s the root of the problem: You fear you are unworthy. You are searching for worthiness in unrealistic and rigid standards. Your thoughts reinforce these standards. Every time you attempt to change your behavior (lowering your standards, asking for help, setting boundaries, resting), your thoughts swoop in and stop you.
To treat this, identify the thoughts and beliefs that are reinforcing the idea that you are unworthy, and combat them with more realistic and helpful thinking. This step will help to change your core belief that you aren’t good enough.
Identify Automatic Thoughts
The cognitive model suggests that a CUE> THOUGHT> EMOTION> BEHAVIOR> RESULT. When you are learning to identify your thoughts, you can often start by paying close attention to big emotional shifts and working backward. If you find yourself feeling anxious, ask yourself, “What happened right before this?” (My boss sent me an email asking to meet) “What was just going through my mind?”(I bet he has a lot of problems with the report that I sent in. I might get fired). This last statement is likely the thought that led to the emotion of anxiety.
This takes practice, but the more you pay attention to your own mind, the better you’ll get.
2. Spot Problems in Thinking
Once you’ve learned to identify thoughts, you can start to identify why your thoughts might be creating anxiety.
Often, when we are dealing with perfectionism and anxiety, our thoughts are full of errors or distortions. If you can learn to spot these distortions, you can apply specific strategies to overcome this pattern of thinking.
These are a few examples of thinking errors: All or Nothing Thinking, Personalization, Emotional Reasoning, Catastrophizing, Mind Reading, and Discounting the Positive.
Healthline has a detailed article breaking these down.
3. Challenge Negative Thoughts
After you’ve identified your thought and determined that it’s a thinking error, you can start to apply specific tools to challenge negative thinking.
For instance, worst-case scenario thinking shows up often for people struggling with anxiety and perfectionism.
Worst case scenario thinking happens when your mind only offers up the direst outcome for any given situation.
“I made a mistake in filing this week’s report. I just know that I’m going to get fired”.
Try this instead. What’s the best-case scenario outcome? “I made a mistake, but I was able to correct it. My colleagues were impressed that I had the courage to own my mistake, and I’m going to lead a meeting next week.”
What’s a likely outcome? “I made a mistake, and I was able to correct it. I learned a lot, and I was able to build a system that lessens the likelihood of this happening again.”
If the worst-case did happen, how would you cope? “I’d realize that it’s totally normal to make mistakes. If I can’t make mistakes here, maybe this isn’t a good fit for me. I will go find another job. If I’m unable to find another job right away, I’ll move in with my sister. I’ll get temporary work until I find a good fit.”
This is just one example of altering thinking errors. CBT of Los Angeles has a great resource on challenging thinking errors.
4. Connect your automatic thoughts to deeper beliefs
Changing your thinking is helpful, but real change will only happen if you can change your intermediate and core beliefs. As you get better at identifying thoughts and thinking errors, you’ll want to start to understand how these thoughts are connected to your beliefs.
To do this, you can do what’s called the “downward arrow technique.” Basically, you just ask yourself “why” until you get to the core of an issue.
Here’s an example:
If you have the thought “I can’t make mistakes.”
Why?
“Because my boss will get mad?”
Why would that be bad?
“If my boss is mad then I may get turned down for promotions or I might get fired?”
Why would that be bad?
“If I get fired, I might not be able to find another job, and then I would be really sad. My family would think that I’m a loser”
Why would that be bad?
“If my family thinks I’m a loser, I’ll feel alone and isolated and sadder”
In this example, you can see that the thought of “I can’t make mistakes” is ultimately connected to the belief that “If I am perfect, I’ll be safe and secure” (I won’t get fired). This is ultimately connected to the belief that “People won’t accept me if I’m not successful”. Which connects to the core belief of “I’m not enough”.
Getting these beliefs out in the open will allow you to challenge them more effectively.
5. Remind Yourself of the Truth
Here’s the good news. You are already worthy. You are already enough. You don’t need to earn value or respect or love or rest. You can access those things today. Continuously reminding yourself through thoughts, affirmations, and/ journaling will help you to challenge these deeper false beliefs.
What are coping skills for anxiety and perfectionism?
Anxiety and Perfection
Treating perfectionism and anxiety can be really taxing. To cope with this shift, you can use coping skills like grounding, four-square breathing, or mindfulness.
Changing the way you see yourself and the world is really hard work. The more we ask of ourselves the more we have to give to ourselves in return. To really change your relationship with perfection and anxiety, you have to consistently do the work outlined above.
You’ll likely encounter a lot of difficult emotions.
Grounding, mindfulness, and basic self-care are good tools to use to manage your emotions related to anxiety and perfectionism.
Get Help with Perfectionism and Anxiety
If you’re in North Carolina or Colorado and you want specialized support healing your perfectionism and anxiety, I’d love to help. Schedule a free consultation today to learn more about how I can you reset your standards and find more joy.
